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The “Prison Spread”

Posted on November 9, 2023 in

Spicy Nacho Prison Spread

This dish really illustrates how bad prison food is. If you are desperate enough to dip your chip in this, you have to be serving a life sentence with your nacho flavored prison spread.

Here is what you need:

  • 4-5 bowls
  • A small bag (like the one you brew your prison hooch in)
  • 2 packages of Top Ramen (so that you have enough to share)
  • A little hot water
  • 1 bag of spicy chips (like Flaming Hot Cheetos)
  • Some beef jerky (optional)
  • A few ounces of squeeze cheese
  • 1 package of chili beans
  • 1 hot pickle
  • Tortilla chips

Here are the directions in our “chef’s” own words:

I got four or five bowls. Start off with your two Top Ramen noodles in a small bag. Put hot water in them, but don’t put too much. Mix them around until you get that nice feel, like it is smooth and the noodles cooked.

Mix in a bag of hot chips (Hot Cheese Crunchies), adding more water if the cheese crunch sucks up some of the water. Keep this on the side.

I don’t like beef jerky, but if you like it you can add it in at that moment.

Pour two packages of Jalapeño Cheese Squeezer (“squeeze cheese”) into a bowl, mix it with a cool amount of milk, enough so that it will spread, so you can spread it over your nachos.

Rip open a package of chili beans and pour it into another bowl. Chop up a regular or hot pickle into small dice pieces. You now have, in separate bowls, noodles, cheese, chili beans, and pickles.

Throw the cheese and beans into the microwave and let them warm up to a nice, wonderful temperature, at least five minutes. Make sure you watch them in case they overboil. If they overboil, open the microwave door, mix them up, and warm them up about three more minutes. Take them out, run to whatever table you’re at. Lay down a flat bag. Put tortilla chips or Doritos down first. Pour the noodles with the hot chips over that, then the beans, but slowly, making sure there’s a rim of nacho chips around the spread. Once I got the beans down, I pour the pickles, ’cause I got them slice and dice. I pour the pickles nice and rice over it, then I pour the cheese on top of that. Once I got the cheese on top of it then it’s cool, and that’s what I be calling my Nacho Spread.